


It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

by MrsHamill



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Holidays, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-20
Updated: 2010-01-20
Packaged: 2018-05-21 04:11:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6037558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsHamill/pseuds/MrsHamill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Rodney really, <i>really</i> love Christmas. Unfortunately.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the SGA Secret Santa, as a gift for Icaruscanlion, who was lovely enough to say she really liked it (even though I still think it has problems). Many, many thanks to Kisa and especially to Gnat for their MUCH needed help on the damn thing, but I still say it needs work!

With twenty-twenty hindsight, in retrospect, thinking about it later... it should have been obvious. Everyone should have seen it coming. Take two fiercely competitive freaks like Sheppard and McKay, hell-bent on outdoing the other--

Anyway. From the beginning, then.

* * *

The expedition left Earth in November, so their first Christmas was a subdued thing, a still-trying-to-stay-alive thing. It did not go unnoticed, however. 

In the labs, McKay set everyone's screensaver to a nightmarish Santa Claus who Ho-Ho-Ho-ed at random times. Miko screamed bloody murder the first time it happened to her. Radek threw his second-best coffee mug at McKay because of it. He missed. Anytime anyone in the labs tried to disable the horrible thing, McKay glared at them. 

"It's Christmas," he growled. "Leave it on. Oh, and it's password protected, so you can't take it off anyway." 

Meanwhile, Sheppard's Marines hastily repaired to the mainland where they found something that resembled a fir tree. It was cut, crammed into a 'jumper (it didn't fit so part of it was left hanging out the back, a la Appalachia), and returned to the city, where the botanists promptly refused to let it in, citing unknown allergens. Sheppard appealed to Weir, who finally went one higher to Beckett when she couldn't broker peace. McKay came storming in, in defense of his botanists (and because he hadn't thought about getting a tree first), and the decibel level went up as McKay and Sheppard went toe-to-toe. 

Finally, Beckett, who apparently had had quite enough, grabbed McKay and tossed him in the 'jumper with the offending tree, timing his exposure for fifteen minutes. A smirking Sheppard kept him there at stunner-point for the entire time. Afterwards, Carson allowed the spluttering, furious McKay out and quickly examined him. 

"No signs of allergic reaction," he said. "Right, then. Rodney has the highest incidence of allergies in the city, so if he doesn't react, odds are no one else will, and if they do, we'll deal with it then. Just be sure to keep it in a well-ventilated space." After that, Carson turned and left, retiring to his office for a few stiff shots from the bottle he'd smuggled in with his personal effects. It was already a quarter empty. 

McKay's glare was, at that, turned upon Sheppard, who smirked triumphantly. The tree was set up in the 'gate room, in an out of the way corner. The marines decorated it (McKay threatened everyone in his department with dire consequences should they try to help) haphazardly, with spent bullet casings and broken CDs and some kind of odd wiring for tinsel. 

Elizabeth, who had looked forward to a multi-cultural celebration, but had had her fill of the Sheppard/McKay war, stayed out of it entirely, the coward.

Teyla stayed on the sidelines, completely confused. Ford tried to explain a couple of times but he just got it all mixed up. 

* * *

Their second Christmas was shortly after the Wraith siege and their return from Earth. There were newbies to settle in, priorities to arrange, repairs to make, extraneous Wraith to hunt down and eliminate, etc., so once again, things were hurried and half-done.

Miko didn't scream at the screensaver, but Esposito did. Radek had managed to hack into the program sufficiently to change it on McKay's computer so that it showed a twisted up Scrooge (the Albert Finney version, and Radek _knew_ McKay hated that particular Scrooge) saying "Bah, humbug!" at random intervals. It took McKay almost two days to set it right. He blamed it on being incredibly busy with the trained monkeys.

Since McKay had been back to Earth, he had been able to bring back more decorations. He set up a wooden 'Ho Ho Ho' set in front of his workstation that was lit with tiny LED lights but every time he tried to decorate further, an emergency would crop up. He suspected collusion with Sheppard but there was never any direct evidence. 

Simpson brought in a small silver Christmas tree and set it up in the middle of the lab; it was the kind that rotated and had multi-colored spotlights shining on it. McKay approved, though he did say it was slightly tacky. A few people put small gifts under it. Radek gave McKay a wrapped brick. Instead of tossing it, McKay began using it as a paperweight, just out of spite.

The marines managed to get a slightly larger tree from the mainland, though it was the same type as the year before. They had a 'real' star for the top, and Cadman put actual tinsel on it, though she only had enough to cover about a third of it. Sheppard went around with crazy, light-up reindeer horns on his head whenever he was on-base, and somehow managed to sweet-talk the city into changing the spires out on the piers to red and green. It drove McKay nuts that Sheppard wouldn't explain how he did it. He also had a three foot high, animatronic Santa Claus that he put on a pedestal outside his office. It was motion-triggered and when someone walked by, it would flail its arms and shout, "HO HO HO!" It lasted three days before a trigger-happy marine on patrol blasted it into six pieces. McKay 'lost' the video logs for that particular area and time so no one could be blamed. Elizabeth refused to arbitrate and locked herself into her quarters. Carson retired to his office with a new bottle of Glenlivet. Teyla just got more confused. 

* * *

But it was the _third_ Christmas is when the shit really hit the fan.

* * *

**C MINUS 20 DAYS AND COUNTING**

* * *

"...And I think that about takes care of 'gate issues for the next week," Elizabeth said, with one final notation on her tablet. "Moving along... I think that's about it, save for the last agenda item."She looked up and smiled, but it was tight and slightly feral. "The Daedalus will be arriving in two to three weeks, bringing our holiday dinner and, as I'm sure you remember, General O'Neill and General Landry had graciously allowed us to ship gifts this year, ten pounds maximum over what we have already been assigned for personal space. I am led to believe that some of you," here she paused and turned a narrow-eyed stare at Sheppard and McKay, "had already taken advantage of this and somehow have quite a lot more than what was allowed coming out."

She took a deep breath. "Also. Since Christmas is in less than a month, I would like to encourage you to _not_ indulge in the kind of behavior we've seen in the past." This time the stare was definitely a glare, pointed at Sheppard and McKay specifically. "Gentlemen, I am talking to you. Please remember this is an _international_ expedition and not everyone celebrates Christmas, which is a _religious_ holiday."

Sheppard had his best innocent face on. "Elizabeth, I would never force my men to do something they don't want to do..."

McKay cut him off. "Oh, right, as if. Elizabeth, Christmas is a secular holiday and has been for decades now. I fail to see why we shouldn't be enthusiastic about the holiday and encourage--" 

"Encourage?" Sheppard's voice was incredulous. "And you accuse _me_ of coercion? Half of your staff still has nightmares about that stupid Santa screensaver!" 

"Excuse me?" McKay rounded on Sheppard. "Who had the three foot high mini-Wraith scaring _everyone_ in the entire city? I'm amazed it took as long as it did for someone to shoot it! You have _no_ sense of proper decorations aesthetic, Sheppard, you never have! A Christmas tree is not supposed to be decorated with spent bullet casings! And those ridiculous light-up antlers only emphasize how stupid your hair looks!" 

"You leave my hair out of this, McKay! Truth is you have less Christmas spirit than spoiled eggnog and think the way around it is to go overboard on tacky decorations and coerced heartiness! Well, I've got news for you, Jacob Marley," Sheppard stood up, leaned over the table and pointed his finger at McKay, "nobody believes it!"

McKay crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Sheppard. "Is that right?" he asked in a dangerous voice. "Well, I'm here to tell you, your hair is stupid and so are you, Sheppard. We'll just see who celebrates Christmas more, who knows more about it and who can show the city how it's properly done." He narrowed his eyes. "Unless you're too _scared_." 

"Oh, you are _on_." Sheppard glared back at McKay. "And I think we should add that the winner literally takes all -- is in charge of decorations and celebration henceforth." They stared at each other over the table. "Deal?"

Rodney's nostrils flared in hostility. "Deal." 

Elizabeth lowered her forehead to the table and began quietly sobbing. 

* * *

**C MINUS 14 DAYS AND COUNTING**

* * *

Ronon found Teyla in the mess hall, huddled over a cup of tea. "Hey." She looked up at him and he was surprised to find her looking haunted. "What's going on?"

"I am waiting for Major Lorne to arrive," she said quietly. "He has agreed to fly me to the mainland for the next few weeks. If you are wise, you will come with me."

Ronon blinked in surprise. "What? Why?" He pulled out a chair and straddled it backwards. "Okay, tell me why everyone's getting all weird." 

"It is this..." her face contorted into what almost looked like a snarl, " _holiday_ they have. It is called _Christmas_ and it is apparently supposed to be a happy time, but in my experience it is nothing but an exercise in rudeness, anger and frustration. Both Dr. McKay and Colonel Sheppard act as though they are possessed by Wraith and run around insulting each other and every other person on Atlantis. Dr. Weir retires to her rooms and refuses to come out and even Dr. Beckett -- well, last year, he merely drank too much and slept most of the time. I am glad I do not know what it is like on Earth; I can barely stand it here."

Ronon was impressed -- it took a lot for Teyla to get worked up. "Sounds like fun."

She gave him an incredulous, pitying look. "If you know what is good for you, you will come with me and escape." 

"Oh, I dunno, I kind of like it when these Earthers start acting stupid, it's lots of entertainment and--"

Before he could say more, Sheppard and McKay entered the room, arguing loudly. "The suit fits him, McKay, he likes kids, and that's all it takes!"

"Like hell it does!" McKay roared back. "Santa Claus is _not_ Polynesian!" 

"What are you, racist?" 

"Don't you even _dare_ go there, Sheppard!" McKay snarled, getting right into Sheppard's face. They were both red and looked ready to punch each others' lights out. "Black, white, red, green, blue with orange polka dots, I don't care -- but no fucking sumo wrestlers with four-inch scars across their faces! He'd terrify the kids!" 

"He's not Japanese, he's Polynesian and he fits. The. Fucking. Suit," Sheppard ground out.

"I. Don't. Care," McKay bit back.

"Wow, this is fun," Ronon said, nodding at Teyla, who had slumped down in her seat and was rubbing her forehead.

"Shut up," both Sheppard and McKay snapped simultaneously.

"It's not like the kids are going to even know who Santa is anyway," Sheppard said, throwing his arms in the air. "We just need someone big who likes kids and Kupe is big and--" 

"I'm big and I like kids," Ronon said.

"You're too tall," McKay snapped but Sheppard said, "Now, wait," and looked at Ronon speculatively.

"No, it won't work, all the Athosian kids know him already and they'd recognize him, even with the beard and glasses," McKay said, and John sighed and glared at McKay.

"You will _not_ be dragging _any_ of our children into this travesty," Teyla growled and all three men turned to her in surprise.

"But Teyla, it's _Christmas_!" John said earnestly. "We'll fly them over, they can sit on Santa's lap and tell him what they want and--"

Simultaneously, McKay said, "It's a tradition, Teyla, they'll love it, persuading Santa Claus that they've been good and asking for toys and goodies and--" 

"No." Teyla narrowed her eyes and looked really scary -- all three of the men at the table backed up slightly. "I do not care for this 'Christmas' of yours and will not allow it to infect my people, particularly not our children." 

"But Teyla, I've already bought presents for them," Sheppard whined. "Can I at least give them presents? Sports equipment, balls, hoops, skateboards, rackets, nets, gloves, bats--" 

"Oh, how typical of Mr. Testosterone," McKay sniped. "I, on the other hand, have purchased _educational_ toys, toys that expand the mind, such as books, Lego sets, chemistry sets, RC cars, telescopes--" 

"How the hell can you claim RC cars are educational?" Sheppard demanded.

"RC cars teach movement in two dimensions and help educate children on the dynamics of spatial--" 

"Oh, yeah, right, I'm buying that, McKay--" 

"It's better than teaching them a totally useless sport like baseball!" 

"Oh, thank the Ancestors! I see Major Lorne, please excuse me." Without waiting for acknowledgement, Teyla rose and practically ran to Lorne, grabbing his arm and pulling him out of the mess hall.

McKay and Sheppard watched her go. "Jeeze, you'd think she had a fire under her or something," Sheppard said. 

* * *

**C MINUS 12 DAYS AND COUNTING**

* * *

"Off-world activation!" Chuck announced and Elizabeth looked up from her paperwork (okay, technically it wasn't paperwork since it was on her tablet PC, but still). Chuck caught her looking his way and touched his radio. "Colonel Sheppard's IDC, ma'am, returning from the, ah, tree hunt." 

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes briefly, wondering if she could justify leaving the shield up. Deciding it wasn't worth the paperwork hassle, she merely nodded and Chuck dropped the shield. The top left drawer of her desk had a 'black market' bottle of Excedrin which had been full less than a month ago; it was half-empty now. She took it out and shook two tablets into her palm and swallowed them with the last of her tea.

An exclamation from the 'gateroom floor made her stand and look out of her window -- and what she saw made her jaw drop open. A tree was being brought into the city, and she wasn't sure it was going to fit. It looked like the same type as they'd had in the years before, but it had already reached the stairs and it was _still coming through._ Several marines were hauling it with ropes. 

"Walk it up the stairs!" That was John Sheppard and of course, he was behind it. Elizabeth rubbed her forehead and hoped for the pills to take effect soon. "We can open the balcony doors and push it out that way if we need to!" 

When the thing had finally finished coming through the stargate, she realized it was going to brush the ceiling of the 'gateroom, which made it... really too high. Apparently Sheppard understood that as he was already conferring with others on how to cut it down. John must have radioed Cadman, because she came running in with some boxes and whooped when she saw the tree, which was just what Elizabeth didn't need -- someone to encourage Sheppard.

Elizabeth returned her desk and resolutely went back to her paperwork, praying for a Wraith invasion. 

* * *

**C MINUS 10 DAYS AND COUNTING**

* * *

"Where's Kusinagi? Has anybody seen Kusinagi? Hey!" McKay shoved people aside as he bellowed through the mess hall.

"McKay," Radek said, resisting the urge to strangle but only barely, "why are you making her do this? The woman is _Buddhist_ for pity's sake, she--" 

"Actually, she's Shinto, which you would _know_ if you bothered to talk to her," McKay snapped. "And she loves Christmas, her family -- Kusinagi! Where have you been? Get over here with that!"

Miko scurried over to McKay. "I am sorry it took so long! We ran out of LED wire and had to cannibalize some of the cabling from the--" 

"Good, good! Use anything you need to! How many meters?" 

"This section is thirty-five, but Simpson thinks she should have almost seventy more done in the next hour." 

"Excellent!" McKay looked around the room. "That should cover this area, now all we need is more garland. Has anyone seen Katie? She was going to be snipping some mistletoe and drying it for us..." 

Radek began muttering imprecations in Czech and stormed out, heading for the infirmary. He hoped Carson had enough alcohol to share. 

* * *

**C MINUS 8 DAYS AND COUNTING**

* * *

Persuading the city to light up in red and green again was a snap, but getting strings of lights out of the scientists... well, John had already allowed for that, and had little strings of blinking lights squirreled away in his first shipment of personal effects on the Daedalus. They weren't much, but they didn't have to be. After the destruction of poor, old Santa after the second Christmas, he was going a more conservative route. 

Cadman had done a bang-up job on the tree in the 'gateroom, even if they'd had to decorate the top of it while it had been horizontal. Useless CDs made beautiful ornaments, doubling and tripling the lights so they shone all around the room. No spent casings this year -- they had real ornaments made out of glass. McKay may have managed to over-decorate the mess hall, but Sheppard and the marines were well on the way to making the 'gateroom, the conference and locker rooms and most of the rooms immediately off the 'gateroom into real Christmas wonderlands.

Now all they needed was snow. Or maybe fireworks. He had been talking with Cadman about maybe launching some fireworks off the 'jumpers Christmas day. Mitchell had been all for having a 302 'exhibition' over Atlantis but they both eventually had decided it wasn't worth asking about; while O'Neill might have said yes, nobody else would have. But launching some pretty fireworks from a 'jumper or even from one of the spires -- that might work.

But snow would really be nice, especially since Lantea was in the middle of summer and it was about ninety-five degrees out. With that half-formed thought in mind, John wandered down to the control chair to have another little 'discussion' with Atlantis. 

* * *

**C MINUS 7 DAYS AND COUNTING**

* * *

The arrival of the _Daedalus_ came in the middle of an epic battle in the 'gateroom. Ronon was watching the fight from the balcony opposite the control room, wearing his long leather coat which was protecting him from the cold, eating from a bag of microwave popcorn. There was still frost on some of the panels and windows and everyone was wrapped up and drinking warm fluids. The protected bay between the west and north piers was still frozen, though no one was skating any longer, not after the shark-like creature tried to break through the ice (it had failed but that did put an end to skating). 

Sheppard and McKay were screaming at each other in the control room, something about delicate equipment and temperatures and grinches and scrooges, whatever those were. Ronon thought Sheppard was responsible for the cold, but he was pretty sure it was McKay who had somehow put water or chemical icicles dripping off the tree-stuff -- garland? he thought that was the word -- hanging all over the city. There was also something green called mistletoe hanging from the ceiling in a bunch of open doorways, now, and that was McKay's fault too. But that was cool. Ronon liked getting kissed. 

Evan Lorne sidled up to him. "Share?" 

"Get your own," Ronon said. 

"C'mon. Please?" With a snort, Ronon let Lorne have one handful. "That's it." 

"Thanks." After swallowing, Lorne said, "The _Daedalus_ has arrived. Should get a temporary truce, at least until she's off-loaded." 

"Damn. Just when it was getting interesting." 

Lorne chuckled. "The betting is getting heavier, you know, Campbell's got the pool." 

"Yeah, I know. I've got three dates picked." 

"My money is on Caldwell stunning them." 

"Nah. Beckett's gonna lose it and drug them unconscious." 

"You think?" 

"Yup." 

* * *

**C MINUS 5 DAYS AND COUNTING**

* * *

"C'mon, Teyla, _please_!"

Teyla stood firm, looking like a thundercloud, even through the video pickup from the mainland. "If you wish to gift our children, that is fine and we will be grateful. However, I will not allow you to corrupt them with this hideous tradition of yours, and that is final." 

"It's not hideous!" Sheppard was so close to whining it wasn't funny. "Let us bring all of you guys over, we'll have a big Christmas feast, lots of good food and company. Then we can give the kids the toys we've--" 

"NO, Colonel," Teyla said firmly. "I have been to your 'Christmas feasts' and they are never pleasant. Invariably there are complaints about the quality of the food, the way it is prepared, the method by which it is prepared, or some other problem. It is not pleasant and I do not wish to attend again. Nor do I wish any of my people to attend." 

"Teyla, you're being completely unreasonable," Rodney said and he was definitely whining. "This is a very special time for us and we want you to join in the fun!"

Teyla's voice was icier than the hallways had been a couple of days before. "I do not consider any of this horrible 'thing' to be fun, Dr. McKay. I have made my decision. If you wish to bring the items to the mainland you may do so, we will accept them and distribute them with thanks. Teyla out."

Sheppard and McKay glowered at each other. "This is all your fault," Sheppard said.

"Oh, shut up," McKay replied. 

* * *

**C MINUS 3 DAYS AND COUNTING**

* * *

"They are completely out of control." Carson poured a couple of fingers of Glenlivet into both glasses, handing one to Elizabeth. "If Teyla were here, she might have been able to calm them down, but she's out hiding on the mainland."

"I keep praying for a Wraith invasion," Elizabeth said, taking a sip. "Mmm, this is good, thank you, Carson." 

"You're welcome. I had another bottle sent in with my shipment. Had a feeling I'd need it." He sat back after taking a sip of his own. "So, what are we going to do about them?" 

"Short of stunning them and locking them in the brig? I'm not sure."

Carson snorted. "Now, there's a good idea. Perhaps that's what we should do!"

Elizabeth shook her head. "Rodney could break out of it too easily, and John could sweet-talk the city into letting him go. Unless..." She frowned as a thought came to her. "Hm..." She touched her radio. "Dr. Zelenka? This is Weir. Could you come to a meeting with Dr. Beckett and myself in my quarters, please?" 

"What idea do you have in that devious, pretty head of yours, my dear?" Carson asked, a slow smile growing across his face.

"Let's talk to Radek first," Elizabeth demurred. 

* * *

**CHRISTMAS EVE MORNING**

* * *

Sheppard woke slowly, a headache behind his eyes receding into the background. He was not in his quarters and that fact pushed him to full wakefulness quickly, prompting him to jerk awake and fall out of -- oh. He was in a 'jumper, and had been asleep on one of the benches, but now he was on the floor. Ow. "What the..."

A piteous groan from next to him made him turn his head to discover McKay was on the other bench, also just waking up, looking pretty much like Sheppard felt. Sheppard cleared his throat. "Careful when you sit up," he said.

"Huh?" McKay replied, turning towards the voice and falling off the bench. Sheppard winced. 

"Ow! What the fuck?!"

Sheppard pulled himself upright until he was sitting with his back propped up against the bench and looked around. "Yeah, that was my question. How'd we get on this 'jumper?"

There was sunlight coming through the forward port so they probably weren't on Atlantis, and he could tell they weren't flying. McKay was grumbling and whining but managed to stumble to his feet, and from there, to sitting on the bench. Or sort of sitting. More like slumping on the bench with his head in his hands. "I'm going to kill them," McKay muttered.

"Who?"

"Whoever it was that did this. First I'll maim them then I'll kill them. Slowly." Sheppard slowly got to his feet, fighting off the headache which was trying for a comeback. "Yeah. Good luck with that." Once he was sure he was steady, he looked around for any clue as to how they got there. Between the two passenger chairs in the cockpit was a box, upended as a platform, and on it was a laptop, with a post-it note which had written on it, "hit enter."

"Well, this looks promising," Sheppard said, removing the post-it note. He hit 'enter.' Elizabeth, Carson and Radek all appeared on the laptop screen. 

"Hello, John, Rodney," Elizabeth said brightly, a wide, happy smile on her face. "Merry Christmas! You've both been working so _very hard_ that we've decided to give you a vacation this year."

"Yes," Carson said, also grinning like a lunatic, "you've got the next three days off, on your very own tropical world. We were going to put you on a winter wonderland planet, but we couldn't find any." "Thank God for small favors," McKay muttered behind Sheppard.

"You've got plenty of MREs, and we'll send a MALP through with your Christmas dinner, with all the trimmings," Elizabeth said.

"Yes, and I've even given you your two work laptops, McKay," Radek said. His smile was a little feral.

"You can dial the 'gate if you need to talk to us, but we won't lower the shield, not unless you're under attack." Elizabeth's smile grew wider. "Don't worry, the planet is empty, and we've got the _Daedalus_ here too, just in case something goes wrong." 

"See you lads on Boxing Day!" Carson said cheerily, and the recording ended.

There was utter silence in the 'jumper for the space of about forty-five seconds. 

"Those bastards." McKay's voice was choked. "The thanks we get for trying to spread a little Christmas cheer." 

Sheppard shook his head. "This is all your fault, you know." 

"Oh shut up." McKay kicked a sleeping bag out of the way and looked around the loaded 'jumper. "Huh." It was a _very_ fully loaded 'jumper. "On the other hand, you know..."

Sheppard turned to him, frowning. "What?"

McKay looked up and grinned. "Look up."

John followed his gaze and saw a sprig of mistletoe taped to the ceiling. "Oh, really?"

Rodney eyed him speculatively. "Yeah. Three days off. Assuming Radek doesn't blow something up out of spite." 

"Hmm. This could be..." John pulled Rodney close and kissed him, deeply and with intent to do a whole lot more.

Rodney broke the kiss and said, breathlessly, "A pretty good Christmas present?" 

"Yeah, I'm thinking that way..." They grinned at each other. "I know they didn't include our toy box, though," John added wistfully.

"I bet they included my sunscreen, though," Rodney replied.

"Well, hell, who needs toys, then?" John said, and that's how John and Rodney spent their Christmas vacation.

That year, anyway. The next year was a whole different story.

end


End file.
